How To Deal With a Toxic Co-Worker

There is at least one toxic co-worker in nearly every job environment. Why would a person create drama and bad juju in the place they spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week? It happens all the time. Here is a great example . . .

The 2008 economic crisis caused our clothing business to slow way down. One night in tears, I asked God to provide money for me to continue my business. The very next day a friend, with whom I had worked in the past, called me up and asked if I would take the office manager job at the school where she was principal. The pay was amazing, considering it was a 9-months-of-the-year job and I couldn’t refuse. I took it and loved working at the school, while managing my company before, during and after.

Introducing Cruella

Unfortunately, that lovely lady quit after one year and we hired a new principal. Let’s just call her Cruella. Her interview was amazing and she was the clear choice. It became evident right away that she misrepresented herself in the interview and did not actually do any of the things she said she was going to do. As one of her right-hand women, I could hear all of her conversations and interactions and noticed out right lying. She was very unpleasant to me and eventually, just avoided me altogether because I knew she was a pathological liar. It was very uncomfortable.

I started to feel like a possessed woman was working in the office right over my shoulder and it gave me a super creepy feeling. I felt like I was actually slimed every day. It got so bad that I had to get help and called on the services of Deanna Kayyali and Jenny Prince, acupuncturist / Reiki Masters and Tamar Ares, energy healer. They taught me some great toxic co-worker coping skills.

1. The Golden Egg Protection

This may sound totally silly . . . but it works. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Now, envision golden love energy pouring down over your head, creating a golden layer or egg shape boundary around you. The idea is that only love and positive energy can penetrate this golden layer. Setting the intention and knowing this is in place, will help you whether you know it is working or not.

2. Send Back To Sender

One very helpful technique is the “Send Back to Sender” method. When someone is throwing crap your way—talking down to you, angry about something, complaining about other people or the job, or just generally nasty—lovingly think in your mind, “send back to sender,” and gently give it back to them. It is not YOURS to begin with and not YOURS to take on (see #3). They are having a bad day, don’t agree with a rule, didn’t sleep last night, and quite possibly, are not self-aware. It is not your job to argue, understand, or convince them otherwise. Your job is to allow them to be who they are and not take on their problem. When you “send back to sender,” they seem to feel the negative energy they are putting out and tend to react with new information shortly after.

Every time I have done this, people start back-peddling and apologizing. Every time. If we felt the energy we are dishing out it would be amazing. If you are sending out good energy and could actually feel it, that would be wonderful. If you sent out negative energy and then, became aware you were doing it, you would learn to be a better person. The instant feedback would be very helpful. Think Pavlov.

The thing is . . . you are not saying “send back to sender” out loud, only thinking it in your mind with the idea of gently giving it back to them so they can better understand their impact.

3. It’s Not Personal

In the words of one of my favorite new age thinkers, Don Miguel Ruiz:

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

If you haven’t read The Four Agreements, stop everything and read it. Your life will be forever changed. If you understand it is not personal, you will have a new perspective on people and be able to experience the interaction as an observer rather than a victim of toxicity.

4. Happiness Zone

Unhappy people are not comfortable around happy people. We draw people to ourselves that match our essence or vibration. Similarly, we repel people who don’t match our vibration. If you can keep your vibration high and remain happy and joyous, you will naturally keep complainers and toxic people at a distance.

5. Remain Outcome Oriented

What happens when a complainer presents something you also feel strongly about? This is a bonding opportunity you DO NOT want to take. Don’t chime in and roll around in the muck of complaining. Jump in with actionable steps to an outcome. Be outcome oriented. Say, “Rather than spend time focusing on the problem, Let’s focus on solutions and a better future. How about we try this . . .  ”

[bctt tweet=”Rather than spend time focusing on the problem, Let’s focus on solutions and a better future. How about we try this . . . ” username=”beckyprater”]

If you have been to or know anything about counseling, you understand this strategy. It is essential when moving someone out of a problem situation. The client needs to present their story only long enough for you to get the basic idea behind it. Then, the counselor’s job is to help the client discover a better way of dealing with the situation in the future—help them generate action steps to a better future. Mulling over the problem doesn’t solve the problem. Coming up with solutions works and feels amazing, even for the complainer.

When co-workers complain, ask that they make at least one suggestion for how it can be or should be different. Encourage problem and solution dialog. The truth is, we need to know what is not working so we can fix it or make it better. The negative complainer is welcome to present a complaint as long as they have a valid suggestion for improvement. Management may have to lay down this rule for the workplace.

In his great book Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment, co-author Paul White, says these toxic individuals can negatively impact productivity and decision-making.

“When there are unhealthy people within your organization, you’re not just fighting the market and your competitors, you’re now fighting internal battles between departments and individuals just to get something done.”

6. Avoidance Strategy

We all know these toxic people. Avoid them as much as possible. Limit your conversations. Don’t get sucked in to talking bad about others or complaining. Here is a good strategy if you are held up by the toxic one, “Shoot, I’m late for my meeting! Got to go.”

Strategize with your happy co-workers. When one of you is caught in a conversation with the toxic one, helpful co-worker sweeps in saying, “Hey, can I speak to you for a minute?” Done.

My husband and I do this at parties. Because I am approachable, I often get stuck taking with people that go on about their tragic lives. I see this as a coaching challenge so I hang in there for WAY too long. He can see this happening and comes to my rescue every time.

7. Consider Yourself Fortunate

The truth is there are happy people and unhappy people around us every day. If you had the resources and life experiences they have had, you might be unhappy and bitter too. Consider yourself fortunate. You are self-aware, forward thinking, outcome-oriented and happy.

Set the intention that your workplace will be enriching, supportive and awesome. Focus on the positive people and opportunities and pay as little attention to the negative toxic elements as possible.

Please share your techniques for dealing with toxic co-workers. Add to the list of methods below in the comments or on Facebook.